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divorce

Reasons People Divorce After Less Than A Year Of Marriage

Reasons People Divorce After Less Than A Year Of Marriage

Reasons People Divorce After Less Than A Year Of Marriage

We’re all a little afraid of being known. Really, truly, down-to-the-nitty-gritty-“gross”-known. Consciously, we think we’re ready for vulnerability. We crave it. But when it comes down to it, revealing our full truth to another can seem downright terrifying to our ego minds. And so we build a persona, the mask we wear as we navigate the world and our relationships in it. This persona helps us stay safe, but it doesn’t bring us fulfillment because it isn’t all of who we are.

People Divorce After Less Than A Year Of Marriage

In truth, most of us don’t even know we’re doing it. Our connection to our persona is so strong that we identify with it as our true selves, but it’s not. It’s part of us, sure, but our true self is our persona combined with that part of us that we’ve shoved deeply inside because our ego tells us it’s those parts that make us unlovable.

What does this have to do with divorce? you ask. A lot, actually.

When we look for love from the persona-level, we find people who match that part of ourselves, our surface-self. At first, it feels blissful. The other person is mirroring back to us all of the beautiful parts of ourselves and we feel truly connected. But keeping up the mask can only last so long.

Eventually, the deeper parts of ourselves crave acknowledgment and demand to be expressed. Being in an intimate relationship triggers these deeper parts of ourselves. We feel frustrated with our partner because he or she just doesn’t “get us”, and so the disconnect begins. Because we haven’t honored those deeper parts of ourselves and allowed them to be integrated into our personalities, they drive the negative patterns in our relationships and lead to a deeper sense of disconnection.

In truth, the disconnect is coming from within us. When we aren’t connected to our whole truth, we look outside of ourselves—oftentimes to a romantic partner or spouse—for completion. We begin to project that disconnection onto our spouse and blame him or her for the feeling and resentment builds.

You already have everything you need inside of you. Your true essence is love. When you navigate your relationship from this place of fullness, you are free to just love without needing the other person to act or respond in a certain way. You can also practice vulnerability because no one can take anything away from your fullness.

You can take the power back and heal our relationships by looking inside. What parts of yourself are you hiding because you think they’re shameful? What parts of your truth are you not honoring?

All parts of you are lovable, not just the pretty parts. Take a small risk and reveal these parts of yourself to your partner, one baby step at a time. Most likely you will find that you and your spouse feel closer, and you will experience the freedom that comes with being fully known.

Heather Lynn Temple Heather Lynn Temple, of Heather Lynn Coaching, coaches men and women to find love for their authentic self. She doesn’t teach dating tips or games; rather, she helps people see more of themselves and the roots of their patterns. Her clients take the power back and begin to create the life and relationship they want rather than living in their default. Visit her Facebook page for more information.

Categories
child care mental health

How Technology Can Reduce The Anxiety Surrounding Child Custody Communication

How Technology Can Reduce The Anxiety Surrounding Child Custody Communication

Custody issues are stressful enough, having to communicate with your spouse or former spouse over them can be a minefield. Being expected to communicate and coordinate schedules with someone that you may have a contentious relationship is at times difficult and at other times impossible. Fortunately technology is available to make communications and coordination easier, and it is increasingly being applauded by lawyers and judges.

Technology also enables the non custodial parent to have more seamless access to their children, enhancing relationships. Online custody management tools, Skype and cell phones have revolutionized how former couples communicate, enabling parents to make arrangements without having face to face dispute and facilitating parent/child relationships. It is a win/win for the children and the parents. Unfortunately, if you aren’t tech savvy the prospect of depending on technology to manage your child custody calendar, medical expenses, communications with your former spouse, communications with your children, child support management, etc may feel daunting.

In helping my clients navigate the waters of the divorce process both before and after, I consider the technology piece a major boon to assist in keeping anxiety levels low during the process. In addition to learning coping skills and interventions to address the inevitable life stress that comes with this transition, getting connected with technology to help make life easier is now a standard part of what I do.

Fortunately there are people who are well versed in this technology and are able to get you set up in a way that will facilitate good record keeping for the court, interaction with your child’s school, coaches, etc, and communication with your former spouse. In my psychotherapy practice specializing in pre and post divorce issues this is commonplace. By taking some of the conflict out of divorce by making communication more collaborative and cooperative we help the parents feel more secure and less anxious. More secure and less anxious parents make for more secure and less anxious children, which in the end, is what really matters.

If you are having difficulty adjusting during the pre or post divorce process, or if you just need some support around the technology, please reach out to a qualified professional to help make the transition a time of growth and discovery for you.

Carolyn Tucker LAPC is a psychotherapist specializing in pre and post divorce issues and anxiety. For more information please call 770-789-0847 or see www.carolyntuckertherapist.com to set an appointment.

Categories
love & life mental health psychology

Anxiety and Divorce: Holiday Style

Anxiety and Divorce: Holiday Style

Going through a divorce is tough, really tough. Going through a divorce during the holidays is excruciating. Everything you have known about the holidays changes, and if you have children it is complicated exponentially. There are few situations that inspire more anxiety than figuring holiday schedules for children and planning how you will fill the hours while they are with their other parent. Even if you do not have children, the holidays represent a death of the norm.

Grieving is normal and natural during this season. Your singleness is magnified by images of happy couples gathered with their happy children around the tree, while you try to figure how you will pay for gifts and groceries on an income that has been decimated. Not spending holiday time with the family that had become like your own can be a painful part of the loss that no one acknowledges.

There is hope for you if you are going through a divorce during the holidays. Despite the fact that nothing feels secure until the divorce is final, you can learn to thrive during the ambiguity. I know that thriving may sound like a stretch. If you are like many, you spend much of the time curled up in bed trying to sleep the time away until the divorce is final and all the arrangements are in place. Learning to live mindfully can help you begin to appreciate your life again. Even though it may feel like you have had a giant bomb thrown into your life, learning to live in the moment can help you get out of bed, put your feet on the floor, and start all over again.

The first step is learning to breathe again. Yes, you heard me, breathe. When is the last time that you took a really deep breath? When we are anxious and grieving we actually forget to breathe. When we focus our attention on our breath, and really notice how luxurious it feels to throw our heads back and take a deep belly breath, we become engaged in the process of life again.

Remembering the little things that we love about the holidays is a big step towards learning to thrive again. A glass of eggnog in front of the fire, the twinkle of the lights at night, the smell of the Christmas tree, the feel of the winter chill on your cheeks when you step outside in the morning are all precious moments if we notice them. It is REALLY noticing the little things, the special moments, that make for quality holidays. When you string together several special moments, you have created a lovely day. Once you have created a lovely day, then you have the pattern for creating a delightful holiday season.

Making new memories is another way to help you flourish during the season. Time with friends, a chance to travel, shopping or seeing a newly released movie can all become thrilling adventures if you reframe how you expect to experience the holidays. Engaging with other single people or joining in celebration with another family can begin a tradition that will provide you with beautiful memories. A nice bottle of wine and your presence may be all that is required in return.

If you are having a really difficult time I recommend that you volunteer at a local soup kitchen or homeless shelter. There are people everywhere who are in need of encouragement, of a warm body to remind them that they still matter, that they are important. It is amazing how connecting with those less fortunate than yourself can give you perspective on your blessings.

The game plan for thriving through the holidays as you are going through a divorce is to put one foot in front of the other. Do the next thing. Keep your mind in the moment. Do not think about the future, do not dwell on the past. Take a deep breath, and realize that right now, this very minute, is enough.

Carolyn Tucker LAPC is a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in pre and post divorce support and anxiety. To find out more information call 770-789-0847 or see www.carolyntuckertherapist.com.