The No. 1 Cause of Divorce May Not Be What You Think:
The Most Common Causes of Divorce
• Bad selection- I chose wrong, I fell in love for superficial, physical, or resources reasons, because of that reason, love passed away quickly. We tried to understand each other and to adapt into a new life, but we weren’t ready to understand the compromise of being together and assume new responsibilities.
• Money- At first they say, “I thought there was a future between us.” Each of us had their own money, but we start getting used to the roller coaster of money, when we had money everything was relatively calm, but when the money ran out arguments and complaints started to rise. Will and compromise were regulated by money.
• Sacrifice– We thought that marriage was all good and we didn’t want to see the negative part of it. When adversity came, we didn’t accept our responsibilities. We always had an apology or the will to make things better. We didn’t make any effort to keep marriage passionate or happy during all these years. We weren’t honest about ourselves, nor with our partner. We never had a realistic life plan to live in harmony, we were just living for the moment.
• Violence- We separated because my partner has anger attacks that make him loose control, and he or she doesn’t want to go to therapy. After these moments of extreme anger, there is jealousy because of thinking in ‘I’ rather than us. Alcohol and drugs will make this attitude worse and more threatening. At this point, violence has penetrated our marriage and affected the perception our kids have about themselves. Our violence is shaping our children’s behavior and this can lead to personal-emotional wounds that cannot be healed. None of us can lead a normal life because we are traumatized, suffering is not a cause to love someone.
• Virtues and values– Because I didn’t knew how to reinforce or compliment the virtues, values and skills. Even though I know it is a special relationship every time we have a fight it made that some flaws more evident and strong.
• Infidelity– We promised each other, we didn’t make it. Someone told us that marriage was a chain, not a choice. We are hooked to our lovers, the rush of knowing new people keeps us motivated, we are hooked to impossible loves, destructive or unstable types, we are used to self-sabotage in love and unconsciously we assume that we don’t want to be happy.
• Love and dedication- We promised we would change the toxic attitudes in ourselves, we weren’t able to change a single one because we haven’t made a single effort to adapt or don’t have the will to be better. We thought that the act of marriage would fix our negative sides, we became each time more selfish.
• Egoism– Our egotistical impulses and individualism didn’t allow us to enjoy our partner, we kept mentally and emotionally separated, we were close in a sexual dimension but not in the mental or psychological. Each time we lived our own life and when problems arrived we knew we were facing them individually not as a couple.
• Changes. When we get married, we change. This phrase is common and not reality. When we marry we have exactly the same flaws and difficulties, they are not going to change if there is no compromise and clear and solid actions directed to change, like counseling. We cannot change for others, we need to change for ourselves.
• Guilt– There are those that have never dealt with their own past. They become frustrated with unmet needs. They often fear conflict and loss of the relationship.